I had yet another great Twitter conversation with Michael Josefowicz the other day about people who are, as Michael puts it, behaving “like jerks.” In this context, the jerk had promised to do something and hadn’t delivered. Over, and over, and over. What can we do about that, he asked.
Well, the simple rules and tools of the Core Protocols and Commitments require me to take action when commitments are broken. A missed deadline, a promise not kept, an apparent insult; these are all team integrity killers. They not only break trust but by extension slow progress, kill creativity and collaboration and make work just no fun at all.
Ok, I have to do something about it, but how and what do I do? Saying “You’re a jerk,” is not going to help solve the problem, nor will hinting, shunning or getting the boss to fix it.
The problem really is I just don’t get why you did what you did. First I need to understand what the intent was that led to the behaviour I saw.
There is literally a thousand to one chance I know exactly why you behaved the way I think you did. The only way I’ll get close to understanding is to ask you. And without an agenda.
I need to assume you are basically good and smart, and given that I’m also basically good and smart, there must be something I just don’t know that’s causing me to see the world differently than you do. So I ask, “Will you tell me your intent when you did X?”
I can also be a little more direct and call out the promise: “You said you’d do X. You didn’t. Will you tell me your thinking there? And what’s going to be different next time?”
Being that direct is tough in a society of being “nice and polite”. We aren’t taught to challenge each other’s integrity. Maybe that’s why lapses of integrity are so common. Of course, the other reason we don’t challenge another’s integrity is we know ours is subject to challenge as well. So, the best place to start is with ourselves.
GIve it a try – practice radical integrity. Do what you said you’d do. Or don’t say you’ll do it. Ask others to question your integrity. And call out broken promises.
And see what happens to the trust on your team. I can promise there will be a change.
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
The question, “What’s going to be different next time?” implies, “And why should I believe you next time?” I am concerned this may miss the root cause of the dysfunction: making promises without a basis in reality and then not informing anyone when you realize you can’t deliver as promised.
I think conversations like this are helpful: “You didn’t deliver on promise X. I am interested in why, but I’m more interested in avoiding this in the future. Making unrealistic promises doesn’t help me or you, so can we agree to be honest with each other about what we can and can’t do? If there’s uncertainty around your ability to deliver, tell me about that up-front or as soon as you are aware of it and I will do the same for you.”
I believe most people struggle with managing their workload. They are spread across multiple projects and work to keep all the balls in the air simultaneously. The next action they take is often driven by who is complaining the loudest and/or the task on which they are the most behind.
Creating an environment that embraces honesty and transparency is an important step forward when working in a culture where promises are not respected. Your post encourages a conversation. I propose adding an honest ongoing dialog to make the relationship even more effective.